warning: socially inept.

I must have looked really bad last night.

I went downstairs just after my dad came home and I must have looked so miserable because of not feeling well that he gave me a hug.

A hug. My DAD gave me a hug. We don't do that kind of thing. Maybe a quick one before he goes on holidays or at Christmas/his birthday. Wonders never cease.

Now just to make my kidneys actually work and stop hurting me...

Well if it isn't cosmic payback for my not-myself behaviour recently I don't know what is.

I spent the whole day yesterday puking my guts up. My god I am NEVER eating pizza again. The memory of getting pieces of chicken stuck up my nose will haunt me forever.

If I haven't lost at least half a stone I shall be very surprised. I noticed that I always seem to get sick when there's no one here to look after me. So I'm going to tell my mother to stop going away and leaving me. So much for maternal instincts eh?
Well at least I've learnt my lesson - as I told myself when I was in the bathroom for like the 8th time [at least] yesterday; "I have GOT to start looking after myself."

No more binge eating for me. I've eaten nothing but 2 Rich Tea biscuits and 4 slices of toast in 48 hours, I feel like my stomach is going to fall out of me it's shrunk that much. </grossness>

Why do I do this to myself?
On the upside, I haven't had a chocolate bar for over 2 weeks - score.

I don't know what's come over me lately... but ever since I kissed [him] I seem to be flirting with almost every guy I come across.

I'm not sure if it's just a confidence boost or if I'm just getting desperate but I'm not sure I like this new me.

So I'm back to keeping myself fat and horrible so no one gets attracted to me - I had a pizza hut delivered and I am STUFFED.

Piggy me lives on.

Well, [HE]* knows I pulled the other week because he came over to talk to me about it at work the other day *rolls eyes*.
I got worried because he started off with something like "So I heard about you the other night" which I took to mean he knew who I kissed so I looked panic-stricken lol. I asked him who told him and it was my blabbermouth boss [his words!] so I knew he couldn't possibly knew who I kissed because I didn't tell her [boss].

PHEW. If anyone found out who I pulled it would totally fuck up his life... even though he deserves it for avoiding me ever since.

But the look on [his]* face was priceless, it was a mix between shock as I don't make a habit of behaviour like that, impressed that I was so callous in my talking about it ["I'm not going to see him again..." -ahem] and possibly jealousy?
I'm not sure about the last one but he had this [HOT, SEXY] smirk on his face that made it seem like he was imagining what it would be like to do the same. So he's come around to the idea that I'm hot and irresistable then ey?

OO-ER indeed.

Well he's very welcome to try because I   SO. BLOODY. WOULD.



















*the same [he] from my 3rd ever post

I love my new moodtheme!!!

Thanks a bunch to watcher_junior, I'm so sorry for your loss. =[

... back to a place where I was too young to know right from wrong and before I got a conscience that eats me up inside.

I hate being an adult, it sucks.

I totally love the new/last Harry Potter book - finished it in a day - go me =]


I won't spoil it for people who haven't read it, but let's just say there are some very big surprises along the way!

... I'm trying so hard to be happy, but just when I think things are going my way, something happens to completely knock me back down again.

I wish people would look at me like I actually exist, because if they did they would see that I'm not as fine as they think I am.
Bloody pride.

Still. I'm going to get my Harry Potter book in just under 4 hours so I have that to look forward to [which, in itself, is actually quite a sad thing to be excited about on a Friay night at my age].

Ron and Hermione to get together, but on his deathbed [yes, I fear my Ronny is a chosen main character *wails*] he tells her to go be happy with Harry [cos Ginny snuffs it too, poor Molly] and make lots of lovely babies.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

That is all.

When I'm sober I love them.

But whenb I'm drink I hate htem/
Everyone's so in love itmakes me sick, it really deos. doens'#yt help whenb I fancy a guy there who' there with a "firned~" my ass she's a firned, yo don'y deance like that with someone you don't likw.

Not that I'm giutted I took the lasy pic on my camera nby accident and missed a pic wirth him oranyhting. But myghod he looked hot as fuck in that kilt.

I love the onlyu sentence I giot right was he bit abot him in the ki;lt haha/

Ifell really alomne now though, Iéwas ayt a table of couples andas usual I was the on;ly sing;e one, whyt is it always me¬?

Appearently a guy was chekcign me out biut when he came to dance withn me i juust got all flusteredc and made and excuse to laeve.

But thne when hte lights came on at the end he woudl have seen what IU really look like and be glad nothigk happened anyway, Ilookled really fat toniht.

iO hate weddings, they maake me feel os alone, no one'sgonna wnat to marry me, I'm gonna die aloone in a flat witrh about15 cats and no one will missme.

Nexy wedding or any work partuy, I'm going to have a boyfrind, I'm sickl of being the only single one! It sufcks.

I swear to god that place runs me into the ground without even so much as a thankyou.

You'd think after nearly 7 years I'd have earned a little bit of respect, but no.

Well if they think they can carry on taking liberties and just expecting me to drop everything to keep everyone happy while still meeting "business needs" [and put my health at risk, because that's what it's coming to now] they can kiss my fat ass.



Or at least give me a decent enough wage rise that I can actually afford a house of my own with. Stingy bastards, clearly never heard of a poverty line.

I feel quite lonely today.

I like drinking in the afternoon.

My bedroom wall was leaking earlier, a couple of little bubbles under the paintwork.

My mum noticed when she was talking to me in my room - twenty minutes before mum and dad were due to leave for the airport *lol*
Typical.
So my cousin George came out to take a look and apparently it was a leaf in the gutter outside my window that was letting water in so it's fixed now.

Always happens when I'm on my own nearly! Methinks they plan their holidays a little too well.

So.
I've been going to this massage place [not seedy I hasten to add] and all was going well.

The massage beds are mechanical and heated, based on the theory that the body can heal itself if the spine is in correct alignment and the internal organs are functioning properly. Good old chinese medicine.
It's really relaxing [albeit a smidge painful because I'm falling apart at the seams] and since it's free, I've been going nearly every day for the past few weeks.

The problem was yesterday. I went after work which was my first mistake, I was roasting and had a bitch of a migrane all day from using the bed for a few weeks - all effects from the bed massaging the body/organs to help the detoxification of the body - so lying on it for half an hour was almost torture. Since I need a little more than other people I'm on for an hour, but I was so overheated I was worried I'd pass out and they wouldn't even notice - so I had to actually ask the guy who runs the place to stop it running because I was too hot.

He didn't realise how ill I felt because he made me sit on a chair with this heated panel on my head [for my headache... that lasted about 10 seconds before I took it off] and tried to make me read the information on his laptop about what all these symptoms mean - while his assistant is fanning me with a bloody ringbinder to cool me down! I couldn't even read the screen it was all fuzzy, I just nodded and said uh-huh in the right places.

Eventually I was like no seriously, I'm feeling too hot, I feel dizzy and I might actually be physically sick - so he told me to go home and get some rest. THANKYOU!

Then I rang home to make sure someone was in because I had to get a taxi home, I was shaking that much - window fully down and wind blasting me all the way down the road!

If there's one thing in this world that I hate... it's being sick. The waiting for it is the worst especially when you realise it's not coming and you have to stick two fingers down your throat. EW.
I'd had a Twix in the afternoon yesterday too - what a bloody waste of a good bit of chocolate.

Thankfully I'm feeling a bit better today but I really don't want to go to the bed tomorrow!!! lol. You're supposed to be feeling worse before your body starts to heal itself, but bloody hell I didn't realise the getting worse would feel so shit!!!

If anyone noticed I wasn't online last night, it's because I was in bed at 7pm *lol*

£20 for a pair of iPod earphones.

£20!!! I ask you.

SPAZZTICLES!

I ordered Ever After from Amazon last night, I'm so excited.
I love that movie so much - I'm a sucker for a good Cinderella story, esp when Danielle [Drew Barrymore] is so kickass aswell.

Plus Dougray Scott is kind of hot.

Anywhoo... better go [I'm only here for the food haha]

Hen weekends... are eventful things aren't they?

I was the 3rd youngest one there and one of the most tame!
Married women are the worst - 2 of them didn't come home one night, one didn't come home for two and only just made the coach to the airport yesterday morning!

AND she had the audacity to take the hump and be mad no one's talking to her!!! Fuck's sake if you're going to go off to some guy's hotel room and not tell anyone where you're going and let us worry you've been abducted [we were at the point of going to the police and ringing home because she didn't bring her mobile with her], and then fuck off and do it again the next night what do you bloody expect!!
6 men in the room and she's the only woman, she's adamant she wasn't unfaithful but who knows with the drink they were pouring into her. I'm so disgusted because she's always on her high horse with everyone else - I'm even more disgusted after she was so full of apologies when she came back the first time, but she couldn't have been that sorry if she bloody went and did it again - planned it even.

I was the unlucky sod sharing a room with her too - the frights I got when I'd wake up and she wasn't there two mornings in a row - she couldn't even bring herself to talk to me yesterday!
How she's going to be able to face her husband and her two boys I'll never know, especially as there was a hastily scribbled mobile number on her hand when she showed up for the coach.
It's worse that I'm in the same team as her at work - I'm just thankful I sit with my back to her because I can't even look at her.
Ugh. Sorry for the rant. On the upside I now have a tan.

I s'pose I'm just gutted I was alone in the room every night and could have done something about it without anyone knowing. [LOL...]
Well one of the strippers was talking to me after his show and stupid me didn't think he was flirting with me, although looing back on it he really totally was *rolls eyes* Going by my track record I'd thought he was gay!!! STUPID.STUPID.STUPID.
He was so lovely, 28 and British too, what a fantastic body - his bottom was the stuff of dreams, seriously. And the police uniform... *dribbles* Regrets, I've had a few...

Next time.

I found out today that one of the guys that I used to work with passed away at the weekend.

I'm so shocked. He was 61-ish but he was always so active and always laughing. I just can't believe I'll never see him again. =[

He was off sick for a while because he got ill on holiday in Egypt, and when he was in hospital they found he had cancer, and he didn't last long after that.

It makes me so sad to think every Saturday for overtime he would ask me if I had been out the night before, and every week I said no because I'm so stuck in this rut of antisocial behaviour, then the one week I went out I was so excited to go in to work the next day to tell him about my night... then I realised he wasn't going to be there.

And now he's never going to be there again.

Rest in peace, Mike. ♥

Well it started off a normal day at the office for overtime but I had a bitch of a migrane. I drank a lot of water but it didn't help.

So around 10 I was using our scanner to put a load of work on and I was on it for about half an hour when my eyes kept trying to close and I felt hot and dizzy. I stopped scanning and went over to Dawn to ask if she could take over but she can't use the machine, she asked me what was wrong and I got a bit panicky trying to tell her I was feeling really faint and she was like have a seat I'll get you some water.

She came back with Susan [one of the managers] and she's like what's wrong and I got panicky again and could hardly say I'm feeling faint so she asked me if I wanted to go home and I could only nod. Thing is I came to work on the bus so she wasn't happy with that so got Dawn to take me home once I'd sat outside for 15 minutes trying to cool down [and drink another cup of water]. Susan asked me if there was anyone at home to look after me and I was like the 'rents are on holiday til the 14th! Oh dear. She sat with me and kept me talking so I wouldn't pass out but I can't for the life of me remember what she was talking about, something about a German boy coming to stay? Anyway...

While Dawn was taking me home it became really obvious how bumpy the road actually was and I had to get her to stop half way to my house cos I thought I was going to be sick - so she pulled into some big driveway and I got out to try and make myself be sick. Didn't work and someone came home so we left and she dropped me off at the end of my road. I was trying to walk quickly to get into the house but there were these old ladies walking up the street so I slowed down - would have shocked them if I'd passed out on the pavement.
When I got home I threw my coat, bag and keys down and ran for the bathroom and got there just in time.

I feel awful.
I got home around 11 and didn't come out of the bathroom til 12 and slept til 4, this migrane won't go away and I've got a horrible feeling I'm not going to keep the painkillers down
It's like the world's worst hangover but without the drink!

I can't believe I almost passed out at work =/ I was feeling weird yesterday and Pauline was laughing at me cos I was really disorientated and didn't know what I was doing but I put it down to 'one of those days'. Apparently there's a bug going round the office and I'm the latest victim. Lovely. *rolls eyes*

Sorry for the essay folks, I just needed to tell someone cos my parents are on holiday in Gran Canaria and I just want my mum!